All the Things I Never Did
by Wicked Ravus
Summary: Megrah has taken the bet. Now she has to get in the new potion master's bedroom before Christmas break. A romantic comedy that proves how random love really is. And how you can find it in the most unlikely people. SSxOC
1. Gambling

A/N: This is pre-Harry.

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People in this world are kinda stupid. We all do really stupid things. But I guess that's just a part of life. You know, if I didn't do anything stupid, then nothing good would ever happen. Lots of stupid mistakes lead to very happy things. I actually figured this out firsthand. It was a really odd scenario to tell you the truth. I must not have been thinking clearly. High off life, or something. But it lead to the best thing that ever happened to me...

I was in my final year at Hogwarts. A new teacher finally took over the position of Potions Master. The old hag that used to teach it was boring everyone to tears. I think everyone cheered when she retired. Well, it's not that she was mean or anything, but she was duller than watching paint dry... WITHOUT using magic.

Anyway, not only was this person our new potions master, but they were our new head of house, so it was vital that this person was someone good. Especially since this was our last year. Anyway, that person turned out to be Professor Severus Snape. He was pretty young. I told all my friends I thought he was sexy, as a joke, you know? But they took it literally.

Oh my god Megrah, I bet you could yourself in his room before Christmas break, said my friend Victoria.

At first I declined the offer. I was just kidding. I mean, who would want to do _anything _with that greaseball? I hadn't even had any of his classes. I didn't know what kind of personality he had. I may be a little stupid, and sluttish, but I'm not a complete whore. Well, for the most part. I chase after people endlessly, but mostly older guys. Like, old brothers of some of my friends. I honestly had no idea what real love was, only the feeling of making out on the floor, smeared lipgloss, sweat and perfectly curled hair all blending. No emotion, nothing. I guess that's one thing I hate about myself, but I just can't stop falling for the wrong guys for the wrong reasons. At least I've only had sex once, and that was when I was fifteen. Not once again since. The guy was too emotionally involved. I couldn't bare with the feeling of letting him down. I had no intention of staying with him. I've heard that it's always the girls that get emotionally attached after sex, but I guess I'm an exception. I'm always an exception.

Anyway, after I said no, I would not take up the dare, Victoria told me something that changed the whole goal of the situation. She said it would make a name for myself. I wouldn't be known as a random bitch to half the guys in Slytherin. I would be remembered as the bitch of a professor. Not exactly a flattering title, but a title nonetheless. I mean, think about it. I have a chance to be remembered (Plus, it was a challenge. Come on, I couldn't resist).

Three hours later, I was in Professor Snape's classroom for the first time. AND I actually took notes. They consisted of the following:

-His hair annoys me.

-I wonder if he's good in bed.

-Is sex part of the deal?

-I think I just need to snog him senseless.

-His huge nose is a major turn-on.

-His hair is greasy. It's quite annoying.

-His voice is very sexy.

-I don't think he likes to teach.

-He wears a lot of black.

-He looks like a vampire in the dark.

-I VANT TO SUCK HIS BLOOD! Teh heh.

-His hair SERIOUSLY annoys me.

-I wonder if he...

But I didn't get to finish the notes. I think he noticed I wasn't exactly paying attention. Which surprised me. It was his first day, and he was very forward with his warning of detention. I think he said something like Write one more word, Miss Harper and you'll find yourself in detention for a very long time and then went back to his lecture. I dropped my pencil, and faced him immediately, a slight smirk on my face every time he said something that I assumed was supposed to be serious.

As soon as the lecture was done, he dismissed us to our cauldrons. As soon as everyone was situated, he strided over to where I was setting up my cauldron. He bent down to my face so close, I could hear him breathe.

I don't want to start out the year on the wrong foot with anyone in my own house, Miss Harper. I don't believe that you take me seriously. I assure you, I can make this class your nightmare if you don't keep your attention on me and your attitude away. You'll live in detention if I have anything to do with it.You know, I said back to him. There are these little things called house points' and you take them away whenever someone is badly behaved. Or are you not going to take away points from your own house?Miss Harper...That's it, isn't it? That's wrong. You can't favor your own house like that! he hissed. All week. Detention after dinner, in here, all week. How dare you show me such insolence!

I just shook my head. How dare I.

I remember he was literally shaking with rage when he walked away. It was sort of funny. But by then I knew I had my work cut out for me.

A/N: Sorry that chapter was quite short. The next one will be much more extensive. Promise.


	2. Teasing

A/N: This is pre-Harry.

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I woke up the next morning with the worst headache. I hope it goes away before detention time. Headaches can badly interfere with my devious Actually, I don't have a plan yet. But I _will_. Though I suppose I'd better hurry. I have my first detention right after dinner.

You know, I think I'm just going to wing it. I have all the way until December, and that's enough time to fix something if I screw it up. But I've never screwed up before. I'm always on top. That's what I've learned over the many years I've been flirting my ass off.

Everything leading up to detention was uninteresting. I won't bore you with it. It's already unfortunate enough that that's my life, but it's almost worse forcing someone else to sit through the positively boring aspects of my day.

Anyway, right before I left the Great Hall for Snape's classroom, I winked at Victoria and the rest of my friends. I just knew they'd be laughing at me after I leave.

I proceeded to the dungeons, my footsteps echoing on the stone corridors. I approached his door, which turned out to be wide open, welcoming me to his demon lair.

He was sitting at his desk eating.

Why don't you eat in the Great Hall? I asked.

He looked up, his fork midway to his mouth. I guess he didn't hear me come in. He set down his fork. I prefer to dine alone.But in your classroom?I couldn't risk you arriving in my classroom if I was still in my personal chambers. Sit.Right there.Yes sir, I said, mocking a salute.

He shook his head, and continued to eat.

So, what's my detention. Watching you eat? That's not much of a punishment.I mean, whatever that is looks disgusting.HARPER! This is DETENTION. You will stay silent unless spoken to. Do you understand, or does your impertinence get in the way?I understand. You know, I'm not really this arrogant. Only around you.And why might that be? he asked hotly.

I smiled. Because you're so obvious. So predictable.What difference does that make?I can tell what annoys you. And then you get so upset about it. It amuses me.That is absolutely ridiculous. I'm not here to amuse you, Harper.Please, just call me Meg.No, I think I'd prefer to call you by your surname.Well, I'd prefer to call you Severus, but we can't always get what we want, can we now.

By now, I think he was shaking with rage, but it's hard to recall. He was so angry, and I was trying quite hard not to laugh. Ah well, details aren't important.

I know your punishment, now, he said coldly.

Oh good! It's about time.You'll sit right here in front of me, and be silent.What if I'm not?If you're not, you'll serve the rest of your detentions with Professor McGonagall.

I didn't say a word after that.

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My next detention was rather boring. He resorted to that sort of silent punishment for quite a while. But that gave me a new reason to irritate him during class. I mean, what's the worst he could do. Give me more detentions? A lot of the stuff I did was pretty ornate, though. Please see the following examples:

Example # 1: I was bored, so I wrote Snape, you look sexy in all that black on a piece of paper. I pretend to pass it to Victoria, being very obvious that I was passing notes. He came up and snatched it from me, as I had hoped. When he read it, he turned red, then white, then red again as he turned to me, ripped up the note, and dropped all the little pieces on my notebook.

I don't understand you, Harper, he said. And I hope I never do. Another week's detention for you.

Example # 2: I was bored again, so when he walked past me and Victoria as he was checking our cauldrons, I whispered very loudly I hope he doesn't realize I just poured some love potion in his drink.

He looked very uneasy all day. He didn't drink a thing anyone gave him. Once he decided it was a trick, I got another two weeks detention.

Example # 3: I walked up to him after class and asked him if I could inspect what was under his robes. He just told me he would have a surprise for me in detention. I knew this wasn't a good thing.

And sure as hell, he did have quite a surprise for me. And it wasn't a good thing.


	3. Taking Heart

A/N: This is pre-Harry.

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I came into his classroom just like I normally do. I smiled broadly as I saw him smiling at me from his desk. I walked over to him and leaned over on his desk.

I said, as softly as I could manage. What's my surprise?

He smiled back at me. It was an odd, crooked smile, like he wasn't used to smiling. Then I realized he probably wasn't.

He stood up, and rested his chin on his hands, and his elbows in the desk, and leaned towards me. He lifted one hand off the desk and touched my face gently. I could feel myself catch my breath. His hands were so unbelievably rough. But if felt so good. Like when you rub your skin with sugar scrub to thoroughly clean it. It felt so refreshing and cleansing. I closed my eyes and leaned closer to his face. I could smell a mixture of potion and iron descending from his robes. I could feel his heated breath against my face. I opened my mouth slightly, but suddenly, I could feel something pouring down my throat. I opened my eyes quickly, and Snape was standing there, holding a small glass vial. I tried to yell at him, but nothing came out.

No no, he said, smiling a bit. I didn't poison you. This potion is just to keep you silent for the complete duration of the detention. I hope you enjoy it. And don't worry, it doesn't hurt you at all. Once the clock strikes eleven, you'll have your voice back. Now sit down and be good.

I couldn't believe it. I was officially silenced. I glared at him the best I could, but I could tell he found it amusing, nothing more. Not threatening in the least bit. I started for my seat, but then I spied a piece of parchment someone probably left behind from his last hour. I grabbed it, and pulled a quill out of my bag. Then I started scribbling on it.

What the hell are you doing? he asked, walked towards me.

I lifted up the parchment.

_I hate you_

He laughed. That's my job, Harper.

I wrote some more.

_Why did you do this?_

Isn't that obvious? he asked. You couldn't keep your mouth shut. I know you don't enjoy it, but maybe you should have thought about that before you continuously disrespected me.

I wrote again.

_Okay. I guess I sorta did. Sorry about that._

I doubt you really mean that, he said, and grabbed the parchment from my hands.

I frowned, and sat back down. I think I sat for about forty-five minutes or so until I got up.

Sit down, Harper, he said, not looking up from his book.

I walked over to him, and stood behind his chair.

I said sit down, he said, a little louder, but still not looking up.

I pulled out my quill, and wrote something on my hand. When he realized I was still up, he looked up from his book.

Harper, why won't you...

But before he could finish, I was running my hands along his arms, pressing my body against his back. He looked down, and saw my hand. He grabbed it, and held it up for him to read.

_You need this_

He looked up at me, half anger half confusion in his eyes. And what do I need, I _dare _ask?

I didn't answer. I couldn't. I could only show him. So I grabbed his arms, and pulled him up out of his chair. He just looked at me.

I laid both my hands on either side of his face. Then, before he could protest, I pulled his lips against mine. I expected him to pull away as soon as our lips touched, but he didn't. He just sort of stood there, not helping, not hindering. So I decided to be a little more assertive. My lips parted, and I let my tongue slide into his mouth. I could feel his tongue against mine, his chest pressed against me. I opened my eyes for a second, and saw his eyes closed gently, his expression relaxed. How far could I really push this?

I leaned in a little bit more, my left hand sliding to the buttons on his shirt. But just as I touched his chest, he grabbed my hand tightly. I could feel his slender fingers wrap around my small hand like snakes. He jerked himself away. I looked into his eyes, but I couldn't read his expression. I didn't have much time to read it though, because a second later, he slammed me up against the back wall, his lips pressed aggressively against mine.

I was so surprised I barely had time to close my eyes. I could feel his hands pressing against my shoulders. The ached, but I loved it. He ran his nails through my hair, catching on the tangled strands. My hands struggled to grasp his hands as they moved all over my body belligerently.

All of a sudden, he pulled away, his hands dropping so swiftly I almost fell over.

Don't stop, I moaned, reaching for him again.

He turned to me, then looked at the clock. It was 11:03.

Go now, he said, his eyes closed.

No, please, I begged. Just take me to your room. Real quick, then I'll leave. he roared. GET OUT, DAMN IT!

My eyes widened. I'd never seen him so...so intimidating. But I shook off my fear.

I ran over to him, and spun him around to face me.

I demand.

What the...What do you mean, w...Why did you do it if you were just going to do this?Do what? he asked, anger in his eyes.

Do this! This whole be mad at Meg' thing! Acting like you never wanted me to do what I did. Acting like...

He looked at me terribly sternly. His eyes were burning. Acting like you didn't do anything back.

His eyes suddenly softened. I never should have, he said. I could feel my heart sink. I'm sorry. It's just been so long. I couldn't help myself.

I looked down. I felt terrible. I had figured that he hadn't been that close to a woman in quite a long time. I'd taken advantage of that, just to win the bet. I couldn't bring myself to look in his eyes. I tried to apologize, but I couldn't speak. I finally get my voice back, and I can't say the stuff that's really important.

You should go now, he said.

I know, I said. I won't tell anyone, I added.

He didn't reply, so I headed for the door. But right before I left I turned back to him.

I'm sorry, I didn't mean to do that, it was all for a bet, I didn't mean for this to happen like it did, I swear I'll never do it again as long as I live, I always do stuff like this, and I just need to stop, because it hurts people, and I'm just really sorry I took advantage of you like I did, I'm so sorry!

I shot him a quick glance. He was looking down, disbelief in his eyes. His mouth was slightly open and his eyes helpless.

Just get out of my sight.


	4. The Remorse

A/N: This is pre-Harry.

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I didn't mean it to go that way. Honestly. I know I seem like the bad person now, but I'm really not! Oh my god, who am I kidding?

The look on his face was still burning in my memory as I tried to sleep that night. That look of disbelief when I told him why I really acted how I did. Why did I even tell him? Maybe if I hadn't told him, I would still have a chance at winning the bet. The bet? Screw the bet. I just did something that may cost a human being their job, their dignity and their respect. I had to apologize. I had to confess to him. But that didn't exactly go the way I wanted it to.

Did that even count as an apology? It all was so fast. It came out of my mouth so suddenly I can't even remember what I actually said. I really need to sort this out better.

The next morning I came to breakfast with the utmost feeling of remorse in my gut. I looked up at the staff table, and saw Snape right away. He was sitting as he usually does, with a look of repugnance and boredom across his distinguished features. My heart sunk as I realized that he most likely wouldn't want to talk to me... ever. I assumed my detentions were canceled, but if they weren't, maybe they would be the best place to talk this whole situation out.

I sat down at the Slytherin table, and a second later, was followed by Victoria and my other friend Ashley.

Hey, Meg, said Victoria as she took her seat. Then she leaned closer. What's the Snape status, eh? laughed Ashley, taking a peach from a bowl in the center of the table. You've probably got it all in the bag by now.There is no Snape status,' I said quietly.

What do you mean, there is no Snape status? Victoria asked.

As in, the bet is off, I said in frustration. I gave myself a second to cool down before continuing. It was a stupid idea. Let's just forget it ever happened.Ha! I knew you couldn't do it, said Ashley, taking a bite of her peach. Little shit. I knew it.

Victoria smiled, and put an arm around me. It's okay. No one wants to get anywhere near him anyway, let alone in his bedroom. Gross! He's so disgusting.I know, right? giggled Ashley. He's so mean and ugly. He'd probably be begging you to fuck him. What a moron. How long do you think it's been since he's had a girlfriend?He's ever had a girlfriend? asked Victoria, and they both burst laughing.

What a greasy git!

I bit my lower lip so hard I drew blood. How could they say that? Do they have any respect at all? I was about to say something, when I realized: Just a day ago, I probably would be joining them. I ran a hand through my hair in exasperation, and left. I knew they were watching me all the way out.

Being in his class was very uncomfortable. I think all I did was sit there, and did everything exactly how he told me to. I guess people started to notice something wasn't right when I didn't act like I normally do. Snape also was acting a bit out of the ordinary. Well, not too unusual, but he was in a worse mood than normal. I think every house had about five-hundred points taken away from them by him alone, even Slytherin. But no one got detention.

That night I decided to go to detention. I still was unsure about this decision, but I knew I had to talk to him sometime. The door to his classroom was shut today. He did mention that he ate dinner in his chambers. Was that where he was? I wouldn't even consider going down there to talk to him. That would make everything much worse. I grimaced, and knocked lightly on the door. I waited for a few seconds before deciding that he wasn't here after all. I'll just come back some other day.

But just as I was about to leave, the door swung gently open. I turned suddenly and found myself face to face with a very solemn potions master.

Come in, he said monotonously. And yes, you do still have detention.

I nodded and took my usual seat silently.

Can you label ingredients, Harper? he asked, the same solemnity in his voice.

Uh... sure, I suppose.I have a shelf of ingredients for my potions on my desk. Make new labels for them, and shelve them in my back closet in alphabetical order.Yes, Professor.

I got right to it, no questions asked. After a few moments, once I had gotten to labeling the E' section, he spoke.

This is quite the change of heart, Harper, he said quietly.

I sighed. You've got to grow up sometime, I suppose. I mean, start actually doing what you're told.

He nodded, and began pacing a bit.

My hands were getting slightly sweaty on the bottles of ingredients, and I was so scared I was going to drop one. That would make a right fool of myself, I was sure. So I just wiped my hands on my jeans and continued.

I took one final deep breath, and decided to bring up last night. Well, sort of.

I uh...wanted to better apologize. I... Wasn't thinking. I really wasn't. I'm sorry.

He stopped pacing, and looked up at me. His eyes were cold, black, and glittering. I never realized how beautiful they were until now. They were like sparkling black beetles in the sun.

Take a seat, Harper, he said slowly.

I set down the bottle I was holding cautiously, and walked over to my usual desk.

Now, can you please explain better to me what happened...I guess, mostly why it happened.

His voice sounded so defeated. It made me feel so much more guilty than I already did. But I knew I had to be truthful.

It was all a bet. My friend... I decided to leave Victoria's name out of it. She bet me that I could get myself in your bedroom before Christmas break. See, I'm always doing stuff like this! I slammed my fist on the table. I hate it. I mean, I've never felt so guilty about hurting someone before. I'm so sorry, I'll do anything to be forgiven. But I'm always doing this!

He closed his eyes, and I could see his nose twitch as he inhaled slowly. Then he opened his eyes and stared at me, his beetle black eyes looking sickly. I shouldn't have given in like that. You cannot take all the fault for what happened.Well, you seemed pretty okay with me taking the fall yesterday, I said slowly.

I was shocked, he said after a long pause. I could tell he was nervous about admitting something.

It's okay, you don't have to...

He shook his head. No. I used to have a lover. Back when I was in school. She was my whole world that last year of Hogwarts. We'd come into the potions room because it was the only classroom that would be left unlocked. I smiled a bit at the fond memories from our old potions master. It was true, she never did lock the door. And we would come in here, and spend hours doing everything we shouldn't have. Anyway, she died.Yes. She died. She refused the Dark Lord. One of the only people I knew who didn't. And she was killed for it. I was devastated. It ... it really brought me to a reality of the world. So, when you... did that, it reminded me so much of Ophelia.That was her name?Yes, it was. The funny thing is that, you're nothing like her. I don't know why I was so... entranced by likeness.

I smiled. How are we not alike? he began. For one thing, her hair was dark and curly. Very curly, actually. I touched my own hair tenderly. I always loved it, but it certainly wasn't dark, nor curly. It was white-blonde, stick straight and thin.

What else? I asked.

Well, she was fairly shy at first. Obviously unlike you. And she was a tall person, and she wasn't very clever. But I loved her anyway.

I sighed and looked down. It felt so weird hearing him talk about his ex-lover. But it wasn't exactly because he was my professor.

I've never fallen in love, I said.

He looked at me for a moment, but said nothing.

I've made out with almost every male in Slytherin, even a girl or two for a dare, and even had... well, I've never loved any of them.

He continued to look at me. You need to fall in love, he said, looking right at me.

I... I know, I stuttered under his glance.

We both just silently looked at each other a few more moments. Finally, he broke the silence.

You'd better get back to work. Time is almost up.

I nodded quietly, and returned to my job of labeling and alphabetizing.

After detention was over, I didn't say another word to him as I left. He didn't even look up as I walked out.

As I fell asleep that night, I cried. I cried and cried myself to sleep for hours. I was so confused. And I refused to believe the worst. Was it really the worst, though? Maybe I had finally truly fallen in love.


	5. Girl in Jeans

A/N: This is pre-Harry.

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In romance novels, the cover always features a ruggedly handsome young man with dark hair and sometimes shirtless holding a gorgeous young woman with long flowing hair in a beautiful dress, and both the dress and her hair often look like a strong gust of wind is blowing, even when the man looks like no wind is touching him at all. Also there is very often a scenic castle or ocean behind them, as well as the common unicorn.

Severus Snape is not a ruggedly handsome young man, and doesn't exactly look perfectly muscled shirtless. I am not a gorgeous young woman in a beautiful dress, and a strong gust of wind does not follow me around blowing my frail blonde hair and messy Hogwarts uniform around me gracefully. If anything followed me for the rest of this story, it was a big dark rain cloud, as grey as they come.

If Snape and I were to become the center of a romance novel, our cover would look like this: Myself in all my glory, Hogwarts uniform dirty and all, crying at Snape's knees, grabbing onto his faded dark robes, and Snape stroking my hair with one hand and grasping my hand, digging his nails into my flesh, with the other. We would be in the dark with the dungeon walls in the background. If that cover doesn't sound appealing to you, I don't blame you. It doesn't sound appealing to me either. Trust me. But after that last night, my twisted romance horror began to unfold. It was only the beginning...

Did I really love Severus Snape? I couldn't judge. I'd never fallen in love before. How the hell was I supposed to tell. But I felt so weird around him. Like I would get the shivers every time he spoke, but it was like getting shivers from being too warm. It was like something was pulling at my heart every time I hear his name. It wasn't even the feeling of wanted to do him. I just wanted to be with him as much as possible. It was like, fast happiness. Like drugs, but without the health hazard.

After a few days of feeling this way, I decided this was love. All of a sudden, Snape looked so beautiful to me. He looked more intelligent, more desirable. Actually, when I think about it, it makes sense. He was older. He seemed like someone to protect me. Also, it was like the sympathy I had for what I did led to other feelings. I don't even know how to explain it. Sympathy leading to real love? Maybe after he exposed his flaws, and I found I could love even his flaws, I knew it could only get better.

And once you cracked under his cold skin, he was so easy to talk to. The next few detentions I had with him, we just talked. Sometimes he'd remember to actually make me do something, but we still talked. We talked about so much. Eventually we came upon the topic of our parents, which led me to a relieving confession.

My parents are so respected in the wizarding world, I told him. I mean, they both work for the ministry, and are so high on the adult social ladder. I mean, I know they keep some dirty secrets for their friends, like the Malfoys for one, but no one knows about that stuff. No one asks. They're so rich and powerful, no one bothers. But anyway, they pretty much control my life. I pretty much have to talk to all of their friends and seem just as sophisticated as them. They even pick all of my classes on what they think is most important. I can't even eat what I want, at home at least, because my mum says I need to stay skinny and desirable-looking so I can marry wealthy.  
But anyway, I guess that's why I'm so sexual with people. That's one thing I keep private from my parents, and I am in control of. So I choose to be aggressive about it. It keeps me amused and feeling free. I wish I didn't though. I wish I wasn't so aggressive about it. I wish I could just calm down.You know, you can if you want to. It's not like anyone will murder you if you don't, he said.

I nodded. I'm working on it.

Tonight I have detention again, of course, but it's my second to last detention. I figure if I'm going to say anything about how I feel, it might as well be soon.

But when I got to his classroom, I decided today all I wanted to do was continue talking.

So, why do you always dress in black? I asked him that night.

Why not dress in black?Yeah, but why? There are so many real colors in the world. Green for instance. Green for Slytherin.It's just something I wear. It draws attention away from me, but at the appropriate times, can command more attention than any other color or shade.That makes a lot of sense, actually. Want to know what I wear out of school uniform?Lots of blue jeans. Lots and lots. And boring solid color t-shirts. My parents hate them. They say I need to have a certain conception to what I wear. But I do. It's to block out what other people's conceptions of me might me. It's awfully hard to correctly judge a girl in just jeans and a t-shirt. Because so many different types of people wear jeans and a t-shirt.And what type of jean-wearing person are you, Meg?Well, I guess I'm sort of... I paused. Wait. You just called me Meg.So I did.But you always call me Harper, or Miss Harper.Well, I guess you've earned yourself a first name. Now, finish the question.

I smiled at him, and began again. I guess I'm sort of a person who knows what she wants, and will do whatever it takes to get it. It makes her feel like she has a purpose.But what does this girl have to chase what she wants? he asked, raising an eyebrow. Why can't she let it come to her?Well... I suppose that's a good question. But the girl thinks it's just easier to get what she wants herself. She doesn't like to wait.Is that all?Yes. Actually... no. I'm... I mean, this type of girl, is scared that what she wants will never want her back.That's a reasonable fear, he said quietly. But I think this girl might be surprised by how much the thing she wants, wants her back.

At that moment, my heart did a complete summersault. I could feel it. I wanted to cry out, and scream out the window and tell everyone how much I loved this man. How undeserving I felt of even being around him sometimes. But then it struck me. If he really did mean what he said, and wanted me back, if I interpreted what he said correctly, does that mean he thinks this way about me too? He feels undeserving and exhilarated and high and just so perfectly wonderful as well?

All of a sudden I looked up and realized that I had been staring into space for nearly three minutes or so. I shook myself, and looked back at Snape.

You're lying to me, I said quietly, but there was still a smile on my face.

Maybe I am, he said cooly. Are you going to find out?

I opened my mouth to speak, but then closed it again. But finally I did manage to get something out. It just wasn't what I wanted to say.

I think time's over, I said, not looking at him.

Then I'll see you tomorrow, he said. I didn't look at his face, so I couldn't see his expression. And his voice was too emotionless to tell anything.

So once again, out of habit, I got up and left without saying good-bye. I hate that I do that.


	6. The Monogram Snakes

A/N: This is pre-Harry.

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Stupid! Stupid me! How could I be so stupid? I ask myself this over and over again, yet no answer seems to come to mind. I'm so naïve when it comes to love. I must not know how to handle myself when it comes to love, then. It's the only answer. I mean, I'm so confident! Normally, anyway. I'm Megrah Harper! The girl who must be the center of attention at all times, who isn't afraid to speak her mind, and isn't afraid to be physical at all. But maybe I'm lacking a different type of bravery.

I'm used to being so outlandish. Maybe I'm okay with being so outrageous all the time because I'm really a coward. I have so many emotions bubbling inside me, and when it comes to expressing them, I'm speechless. I've never expressed myself in such a way that I am completely exposed.

I'm such an idiot. This last time together could have been spend romantically, physically, truthfully, full of lust and desire. But now it's just going to be me, sorting through all the complicated emotions I've never really bothered to sort out before. Myself stumbling awkwardly through what I really want to say to Severus Snape, and how. And if I don't, I'll have nothing left, no time to get out what I desperately need to say. I suppose I could land myself in detention, but I don't want to do anything like that anymore. I don't want to make anyone mad, or frustrate them to the point that they can no longer deal with me, especially if that person I'm frustrating is Snape.

I suppose there are other ways to organize meetings, but the excuses will be much more tricky. I don't even want to think about that right now. Even the slightest puzzle boggles my mind. I have so much to work out, I can't concentrate on anything else.

I came to the decision that I wouldn't think on it any longer until I actually came to my final hour alone with him. But it made everything so much harder for me. I couldn't focus clearly. My eyes were blurring, and I just felt like crying. I don't know why, I just wanted somewhere no one would ever see me, and cry until my eyes burned.

Potions was my next class, but I had twenty minutes before that started. I went up to my empty dormitory and did just as I wanted to. I cried until my eyes were red and bloodshot. It was such a weird depression, so sudden. It was overwhelming, this love. This... propensity. This terrible burning obsession. I felt like I had to prove something. I felt like I had to touch myself, and scream, and bleed. I reached into my trunk and took out a steel blade with a petty hilt, which led to great precision as I slowly began to carve the figure of a snake deeply into my upper thigh. I carved another one beside it, and intertwined an M into both of them. Two snakes. SS. Severus Snape.

All of a sudden, a sudden spasm of pain shot through my leg. It was like I suddenly came back to reality, and I could finally feel the pain I had caused myself. My hands shot to my leg, and I pressed hard, hoping the pain would stop. I was paralyzed with agony. I looked down and saw thick dark red blood seeping through the gabs between my fingers. I grabbed the first shirt I could find, and ripped rapidly at the fabric, wrapping the scraps around my leg to stop the bleeding. I went through three shirts before it appeared as though I had caught up with the bleeding. A took a deep breath, and looked at the clock. Potions started in less than three minutes!

I clenched my teeth as I got up, pulled my pants back on and my robes back down, and limped steadily out of my dormitory. But I wasn't making very much progress. I had only just left Slytherin when my vision began to blur. I just persisted on walking, refusing to stop. I'd be able to sit in a second. No worries. I'd be fine in a moment.

But soon I didn't know which way was which. I couldn't tell if I was turning or if I was still going in a straight line. Maybe I was almost there. I could see a door. There were lots of people. I could feel the heat of their auras on me, watching me. And then everything was black.

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My eyes opened groggily as I saw the side of a dark haired figure. I was flying with him, slowly, but flying. Flying down the hallway to the hospital wing.

I cried. I don't want to go to the hospital wing!

I stopped flying. I took the chance to rub my eyes so I could see more clearly. I wasn't flying. The dark haired figure was Snape, and he was carrying me.

Thank god, I heard him whisper. I thought you'd be out for a while. What is wrong with you, Meg?

I looked up at him. We'd only gone up a few floors from the dungeon, it seemed.

I can walk, I said slowly. It was the truth. I could walk. But I didn't want to. In total truth, I wanted him to hold me forever.

He shook his head. he said, and let me down along the wall. He sat beside me.

What happened? I asked, looking up at him.

I should be asking you! he cried, and wiped his brow. Class was just about to start when a student came running in and said a girl fainted in the hallway. I walked out, and I saw you. On the floor. So I picked you up and was going to carry you to the hospital wing, because I didn't know how long you'd be out. Apparently not long. How are you feeling?Well, for the most part, fine, I said, trying to hide the fact that my whole leg was still burning.

That's good, for the most part, he said, a small smile crossing his face. Then he looked down and saw my leg. Unfortunately, the bondage job I did didn't work as well as I'd hoped. Blood was beginning to seep through my jeans and show on my robes.

What the hell did you do? he asked, touching where the robe was bloody.

Oh... that, I said discreetly. It's just a scratch. Nothing to get worked up about.Well, Madame Pomfrey can have a scratch mended in a minute, he said soothingly.

I said stubbornly. No, I'm fine. Besides, I have to get to class. Your class, in fact. We'd better head back.Well, you'd better at least be cleaned up, he said, taking out his wand. _Tersus Macula_.

And with a flick of his wand, the blood stains disappeared. I gave him a small half-smile in return, and went to stand up, putting very little pressure on the figuratively burning leg.

He lent me his arm as we headed back to the dungeons. As soon as his hand touched the door, you could here the scurrying of feet as everyone rushed back to where they were supposed to be. I looked at him, and he nodded, understanding that it was time to take his hand away. I grasped the door for balance as I walked in behind the dark and slender potions master.

After class was over, I stayed in my seat. I really didn't want to leave him. I knew it would raise eyebrows, but even if I had wanted to leave, I wouldn't have until the crowd cleared so I could walk undisturbed. I knew the cuts were deep and probably infected by now, and could have been easily mended in the hospital wing, but I wanted them to be my secret forever. Maybe the scars would last. I knew that Madame Pomfrey would clear the scars in a mere few seconds, but I didn't want that.

Finally the room was cleared, and I was about to leave, but I felt five stalky fingers curl around my shoulder.

Now let s really get a look at your wound, said Snape's icy voice. You at least need some new bondage.

My mind wandered onto what he could mean when he said I needed _bondage_. He noticed my smile, and laughed softly.

For your leg, Megrah. Where is it?

I bit my lip softly. It was quite high up on my thigh. And I didn't exactly want him to see what I wrote. But I found myself hypnotically unbuttoning my pants, and letting them drop under my desk. I was aware to my dismay that my robes would cover anything inappropriate. I could hear him catch his breath, and I got up and sat on my desk like a good patient.

Go ahead, I breathed. I'm in your hands, Doctor Snape. I giggled a little too hysterically at my stupid comment. Or maybe it was because I suddenly felt his hand on my knee.

Then he began to move his hand up my leg slowly. Tell me if it hurts, he said steadily.

I nodded, helping him lift up my robe a bit. Finally I cringed, and he pulled his hand back quickly. It was bloody.

I suppose I found it, he said, surprised at how high up he dared go. I rolled my robe up shamelessly so he could have a look at the wound. It was too bloody to be able to tell exactly where the cut was.

_Accio washcloth_, he whispered. He took the washcloth, and rubbed my flesh tenderly until all of the dried blood had come free from my skin. There was still some fresh blood forming from the cuts, so Snape just took his left sleeve and wiped it clean. Now the cut was exposed, and every mark was clear.

He just sort of looked at it for a moment. Then he looked back at me. I could feel tears welling up in my eyes. I couldn't face him. His fingers stung against my flesh as he traced the outline of the cuts.

Why did you do this? he asked, not looking at me.

You don't know? I asked tenderly, innocently. I was vulnerable, I knew. I took one great shaky breath, and looked him straight in the eyes. The second our eyes met, his closed, as if it hurt to look into my eyes.

Please, just look at me, I cried softly. Please, if you love me, open your eyes.This isn't real, he said, his eyes still shut. You don't really love me. No one could love me.

I knew I was crying, but I didn't feel as ashamed as I expected. Don't say that, I sobbed. I love you. It's real. It's all real. I promise. You... said you wanted me. Last night. You... you did mean what I thought you did, didn't you?

His face tightened, then relaxed slowly, and his eyes opened. I meant exactly that, he said. I want you, Meg.

I immediately buried myself in his arms. My face pressed against his chest. I didn't want to kiss him. I didn't want to do anything. I just wanted to be held, for the first time in my life.

he started.

I tore myself away from his embrace to face him. What is it? I asked, fearing the worst. Afraid he might say this was unacceptable for a student and a teacher.

It's... It's almost time for your next class.

I sighed with relief, maybe a little louder than I anticipated. Right... right, it is. Now, how do I get this damn thing to stop hurting?_Resarcio Vulnus_ he murmured, and immediately, the wound began to close itself, so there was nothing left but a tender pink scar.

I smiled and touched the scar with my hands. I was hoping I'd have a scar, I said, blushing a little.

He laughed in return. Get to class, you little scar-legged bitch.

I rolled my eyes, slipped off the table, and gave him one final touch on his left hand before I left. But this time, I turned to him and said good-bye.

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A/N: I appologize if you have to wait a while for the next chapter. If it's not up tomorrow, it'll either be up Monday, or if not either of those days, a good full two weeks from that. I'll be at ALA in Chicago, then I'm heading off to my island in Canada. But until then, go read Truth Beyond Memory. Hopefully Shadowycat will have her final chapter up before I leave, but if she doesn't... I'll have something to look forward too, heehee.


	7. The Ultimate Forgiveness

A/N: This is pre-Harry.

And I'm home from Canada/ALA in Chicago. And note that I will soon be writing Wicked fanfiction. Wicked as in the musical. Yeah.

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I could hear my heart thumping in my throat. I wanted to get out of class all day. I wanted the sun to set. I wanted to feel arms around my waist, warm breath on my neck and lips on mine. I wanted to be kissed tonight. By someone I actually loved. For the first time, I felt like I was right. It was such a weird sensation, feeling like I was doing something that was simply good for myself. Something that wasn't hurting me physically and emotionally. And no matter how much I deny it, I was hurting myself.

When I finally found myself heading down to the dungeons, I could feel my legs walking faster than my mind was working. I wasn't sure if I was running or walking, but I knew whatever I was doing, I was doing it quickly. I reached the door slightly out of breath, so I assumed I had been running. It was a miracle no one caught me. I reached out my hand and opened the door to his classroom just enough to slide in, and close it.

My heart was still racing when I closed the door. I brushed the hair out from my face and looked around until my eyes met his.

Running in the halls, Miss Harper? he said, one eyebrow raising.

I smiled as naïvely as I could manage, and asked, Are you going to punish me, Professor Snape? he said quietly, almost in a whisper. I think that deserves detention until the Christmas holidays.Just until the Christmas holidays? I asked, pulling a hair tie off my wrist and pulling my hair back loosely. The last thing I needed was hair in my face right now. I'm not going home for Christmas.I'm not permitted to give a student detention over the holidays, he said, a bit sourly.

I'm sure you could make an exception, I said, and walked over to my usual desk. I pulled myself onto it and crossed my legs, and faced Snape, who was leaning on his desk casually.

He looked down at his feet. I could... possibly.

I took a deep breath, and closed my eyes slowly. Punish me, then.

I could almost feel a smile crossing his face, even with my eyes closed. Suddenly I felt fingers around my waist and stomach. I could feel warm breath on the back of my neck. My eyes opened, and I turned around gently. The second my head turned, I felt rough lips pressed against mine.

I sharply inhaled as his mouth opened to mine. My hands grasped for cloth and flesh, and landed on the sleeves of his robes. His hands ran though my hair gently. His fingers were so slender and precise that I could feel every stand of my hair being stroked as though it was pure gold.

Finally his lips pulled away from mine. I could feel him slowly standing up. My eyes were kept shut tightly as I got off the desk as well. His hands laced into mine and he led me against the chilly stone wall. I leaned against it for support as he stroked down my neck and cupped my breasts tenderly. I viciously went for his slightly open mouth, feeling as though shock waves were sent over me as his tongue entwined with mine. I pulled away just slightly, biting his lip gently. His lips were already cracked and chapped, so under even the slight pressure of my teeth, I could feel the skin break ever so slightly. His hands were aggressively running through my hair and down my back, strong and subtle against my buttocks. I tasted a small amount of his blood in my mouth from his lips.

This is wrong, I heard him whisper, but he was smiling brilliantly as he said it. I shouldn't do this. It's utterly forbidden.Since when am I one to follow the rules, I breathed.

I was never fond of rules either, he said, slowly pulling away. He sunk to the ground and lay against the wall, panting. I guess that hasn't changed.What do you expect, I laughed, sliding down beside him. We're Slytherins. We bend rules. I paused, and leaned my head against his. But whoever said bending the rules is a bad thing.I believe, he said. It is a good thing. I twisted my head on his shoulders, and kissed him again. A very good thing, he added against my lips.

Suddenly, he stood up. I almost fell over, he got up so quickly. He walked over to the door, and locked it tight, then muttered a spell under his breath.

No one will disturb us, I think.

I beamed. I wanted this, so badly.

He walked over to his desk, and sat there, as if waiting for me. I strode over to his side, and he stood up. He took my hands in his, and with one quick movement, used my hands to sweep everything off his desk. Papers, books, quills, bottles; all flew off the desk and scattered over the floor. One bottle full of a white powder I recognized as powdered unicorn horn smashed on the floor, sending glittering white powder in a thick coat over everything around it. Its healing power was obviously in effect, because soon the cut on Severus' lower lip was gone, both his lips smooth and unchapped. Other random cuts that we may have had over out bodies were reduced to nothing more than a smooth pink scar. The desk had a thick white coat of the stuff all over its surface.

I cried out loud in joy and I slid myself onto the desk, sending the white powder flying around the air. He smirked slightly at my childishness, but also leaned over my body on the desk, slowly undoing the buttons on my white uniform shirt. As he was finishing, I scrambled to slip my black shoes and knee-highs off my legs, noticing for the first time how tan the looked compared to Severus' abnormally white skin.

As my shirt came off, I rolled over onto my back playfully, letting him unhook the strap of my black lace brazier. As soon as I felt I was free, I flipped him onto the desk beside me with all of my strength, letting my newly-freed breasts dangle in front of his eyes.

You know, I said, as I was undoing the snaps of his pants. If I had known undressing was so tedious, I would have just come naked.My my, so much to learn, he said, in a voice that reminded me more of dark chocolate than anything I had ever heard. Enjoy this, my lovely Meg, for the preparation is the second-best part.And what, may I ask, is the best?

He opened his mouth, but then closed it, giving me a look. I laughed out loud, and touched his face lovingly. You know I know, I said.

He slipped my skirt off, as well as my underwear, throwing them away in the chaotic mess around us. I finished unbuttoning his shirt, the last of the clothes between us. But as I began to let it slip off his arms, he grabbed my hand, and pulled it away.

There's no need to continue, he said quietly.

Wh... what?Taking off my shirt is unnecessary, he said, a slight sadness in his voice.

Well, then maybe I'll just put my shirt back on, I said stubbornly. If I couldn't see all of him, even if the only thing he didn't want me to view was his arms, I wouldn't let him see all of me.

he pleaded, stroking my breast gently, as if he didn't want to see them hidden. I found myself smiling at what might be going through his head. I finally said, with a grimace. You're not going to like it.

I was clueless, but I was happy with my triumph. I pulled his shirt off completely and tossed it aside. It took me a moment to realize what he was trying to hide. His fingers were curled around his left arm.

I touched his hand softly. Don't hide stuff from me, I said, a little more fiercely than I meant to. I slowly peeled away his fingers. He let go finally, reluctantly.

My eyes were staring straight into two slit-like eyes owned by the most gruesomely shaped head I had ever seen. The head's open mouth seemed to be home to a winding snake with matching slit-like eyes. The dark mark, I knew.

So you're a Death Eater, then, I said quietly, unmoving.

He just looked at me. I'm nothing, for right now, he said under his breath. I belong to nobody. Well... that is untrue. I belong to everybody.

He froze, as if his own words shocked him. He buried his face in his hands.

I felt immobilized. I stood facing my new lover, watching him struggle not to fall apart. I knew it was his pride. I always knew. He's so proud. Too proud to admit any vulnerability. I was like that, too. I knew very well.

I closed my eyes, not wanting to touch him, but at the same time, wanting to throw my arms around him, tell him he had a choice, tell him I didn't care. But I lay unmoving.

We stayed there, as if frozen in time for what felt like days, though only ten minutes in reality. Finally, I broke.

I sobbed. I couldn't think of anything more to say, to do. I wanted to tell him it didn't matter. But the words wouldn't form.

He gazed at me with glazed eyes. It reminded me of the expression of a dead man. He looked almost empty. I had to say something, but I couldn't. So I slammed him on the desk.

I rolled him onto his back, summoning all my strength to move him into position. I kneeled over his shocked body, dancing my fingers down his groin to wake him up. But just before I reached my prize, my last resort, he grabbed my hand. He pulled my hand away, but pulled himself into me.

I gasped with surprise, looking at him, checking his emotion. His eyes were shut, his mouth loose. He was content, and full of pleasure, I knew. I let my head fall back on my neck as we moved as one, finally. The ultimate forgiveness.


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